Movie Theater Etiquette by Capt. P
There are certain things in this life that really are sacred; small pleasures in a world full of disproportionate work for pay, tragedy, and disappointment. On the list are evenings at the ballpark, dinner at a nice restaurant, and good live music. But I'm choosing to focus today on something I experienced (again) last night when I went to see Lincoln.
Decent movie, horrible experience. If you are going to pay twelve-fifty to go see a show, don't you want to actually watch it and not socialize through the whole movie? Maybe these people don't value the experience as much because someone else (a parent? a date?) bought their ticket. I, however, did pay what, for me, amounts to over an hours wage just to get into the theater – forget snacks or a drink. I’ve literally invested in my experience, so I really don't want to hear what you and your middle school friends did this week that was “classic.”
To make it easier for idiots who don’t get the venerated practice of movie-watching, here’s a list of unacceptable practices at the movie theater:
1. Shut up. Shut the hell up. Seriously, shut up.
Don't constantly carry on a conversation with your friend. Either get it together before the previews or wait until the show's over. Those are your two viable options. Pick one. None of your personal issues meets the criteria for discussion during a film. You know why? Because either it's just not that important or it's so important that a movie theater with a bunch of strangers is the extremely wrong place to have said conversation. But he's right, your mother does condescend. Still, shut the hell up.
2. Be cool if you're seeing the movie for a second or successive time.
If you've already seen the movie, well ... boffo for you. All of us are very impressed. I suppose getting to see Twister in the theater more than once does in fact make you a better person than I. But if you remember a scene, or a quote, or a plot twist, DO NOT blurt out a spoiler. I don't want to watch the movie on a four second delay. It's not like it just came to you; you’re not super-perceptive (or if you are, see #1 above). If you've already seen it, just sit tight and let us have our own authentic experience.
A good way to keep from doing this is to get it out of your system before the show starts. Let everyone know how great you think the movie is with and that's why you're back to see it again. Now we all know how cool it must be to have extra time in the week. Jackass.
Also, if you've already seen the movie and now you're watching it with someone who hasn't, stay away from the "Oh, here it comes," or "Ahhh, this part's hilarious, grandma." We don't need a heads up for ensuing action - the surprise is part of the thrill. Let us experience the movie for ourselves.
3. Don't text during the movie.
I get it. You're doing your part to not disturb me with noise by typing out your conversation. But much like second-hand smoke, text messaging at the theater is the silent killer. You see, they dim the theater lights for a reason. It's so the bright lights emanating from the projector that are reflected from the screen will be the ocular focus. In other words, the entire setup is designed for us to concentrate on the screen, not the aisles or the hot girl four seats down – certainly not the phone in front of you. When you open your phone to text, I see a faint light and it creates a slight, yet powerful distraction. So be a sport and don't do that any more.
4. Stop asking so many questions.
Look, I get it – sometimes it's really hard to follow a story. Sometimes you can't quite make out what a character’s motive or you miss a line of dialogue. Go ahead, it’s okay to lean over and ask your friend what Hugh Grant just mumbled. But do it quietly; whisper. And be selective – don’t ruin the scene where Indiana has to choose the right chalice. Basically, try not to ruin a crucial part of the movie. You might distract the person who is following the story and then it's ruined for you and your friend, you selfish gasbag.
Also, notice I said “friend.” If you don't know the person next to you, let it go. Unless you're a hot girl and the guy next to you has math-as-a-first-language written all over him, pumping a stranger for plot points during a movie is a major no-no. It's impossible to explain what's going on in The Godfather: Part II during The Godfather: Part II. By the time I get you up to speed, we're both behind. But where your friends will perhaps dismiss the confusion as merely that (confusion), a random stranger will think you're a complete idiot. Yes, it was Fredo, now stop asking so many questions, you idiot.
5. Infants. Dear god, infants.
I have no problems with letting babies into the theater. They have as much right to be there as the next human being … until they start crying. When that happens it's time to take them outside. If you decide to forgo the babysitter on date night, realize you run the risk of a tired, cranky, possibly even scared child ready to cut loose and start screaming in a fit of irrational rage. It is your responsibility to forfeit the movie for the benefit of those around you. The greater good is at stake here. I know, life’s not fair. But when I purchased my tickets, you didn't hear the mistake I made pronouncing Paris, je t'aime, so why should I have to listen to yours? And honestly, with the price of tickets and concessions these days, you're probably be better off hiring a sitter. Plus, you really need to be at least 15 to really "get" Wes Anderson's dark, quirky humor. That said, when selecting a sitter, choose someone you know and trust. Or don’t – I really don’t care who is watching your kid as long as I can hear Hermione.
6. Turn off your cell phones and pagers.
They spend thousands of dollars producing pre-trailer spots that tell you this before the movie ever even starts. It's not subtle. Yet people still fail to silence their phones during a movie. Honestly? What, are you expecting that one phone call that’s going to change everything? Well guess what, it's not coming. You know why? Because you're the kind of person who leaves a cell phone on during a movie. Make better life-choices.
7. Don't make out in front of me. Do not make out in front of me.
I know. You're 15 and you're crazy in love with your 14 year-old girlfriend. First of all, you're not crazy in love. You're 15, you have a vast surplus of combustible hormones, and you found someone who will actually touch you. See the subtle difference? Here's how it works: Either sit in the very back (behind everyone else) of an un-crowded theater and fumble around or wait until it's over, then go behind the Little Caesars adjacent the cineplex and underperform there. But remember, you need to tell your parents that the movie is two hours long, not an hour and a half. Also, if you're over 16 with a valid drivers license and you’re making out in a theater, you're lazy. Either way, I hate you.
8. Applause. Not sure why but ... okay?
I guess it’s okay to give your approval to a film by clapping as the credits roll, but you know Hilary Swank can’t hear you, right? I mean, you’re not that dumb, are you? Oh, hold on – you waited in line all day to get a good seat for Snakes on a Plane? Then by all means, give it a hand before it starts; I’m sure it’s worthy. However, don't applaud something during the film. Other people may not connect on the same emotional level as you when the loser scores a date with the cute girl. I might be the only one cla- I mean, you might be the only one clapping. Then you'll have to add “feeling stupid” to “being pathetic.”
9. Pee before your movie starts.
I'm not gonna blame anyone for having to go to the restroom. Physiological processes can be unpredictable at best. But you can do yourself and others a favor by going one last time before the show starts. Put some effort into it. Maybe squeezing the bladder dry like it’s withholding clues about your deceased grandmother’s lost fortune is just what it'll take to make it all the way through Battleship. Nobody likes prolonging a full bladder, but do you really want to leave during a show? I mean, you're gonna disrupt your neighbors, plus you're forced to make the almost impossible decision of choosing what scene to miss during Mean Girls 2. Look, if you know you have a chronic bladder control issue, just sit on the aisle instead of getting up and walking in front of people for two hours.
10. Spread out if there's no crowd.
There's four people in here - why are you sitting right next to me? Are you a sociopath? Then don’t sit right next to me in an empty theater. It would be less creepy if you told me I have great skin for lampshades. At least then I wouldn't have to grapple with the possibility that you made an innocent faux pas. It’s just another in a long line of social norms. Learn them and adhere to them, Carl. Now move, but go somewhere in front of me where I can see you because I still think you might be a sociopath.
11. Gum.
There's nothing wrong with gum. I mean, I wouldn’t want to chew the same piece for two, two and a half hours, but whatever. Just keep it in your mouth and don't pop it or blow bubbles. If you can pop your gum really loud, you have a talent. A talent that should be displayed outside of a movie theater. Don't forget that.
Alright, so those are the guidelines you should follow. Learn and take them seriously. I’m not the only on who feels this way, I assure you. Being cool might just save you from shame some day. Roll credits.
Decent movie, horrible experience. If you are going to pay twelve-fifty to go see a show, don't you want to actually watch it and not socialize through the whole movie? Maybe these people don't value the experience as much because someone else (a parent? a date?) bought their ticket. I, however, did pay what, for me, amounts to over an hours wage just to get into the theater – forget snacks or a drink. I’ve literally invested in my experience, so I really don't want to hear what you and your middle school friends did this week that was “classic.”
To make it easier for idiots who don’t get the venerated practice of movie-watching, here’s a list of unacceptable practices at the movie theater:
1. Shut up. Shut the hell up. Seriously, shut up.
Don't constantly carry on a conversation with your friend. Either get it together before the previews or wait until the show's over. Those are your two viable options. Pick one. None of your personal issues meets the criteria for discussion during a film. You know why? Because either it's just not that important or it's so important that a movie theater with a bunch of strangers is the extremely wrong place to have said conversation. But he's right, your mother does condescend. Still, shut the hell up.
2. Be cool if you're seeing the movie for a second or successive time.
If you've already seen the movie, well ... boffo for you. All of us are very impressed. I suppose getting to see Twister in the theater more than once does in fact make you a better person than I. But if you remember a scene, or a quote, or a plot twist, DO NOT blurt out a spoiler. I don't want to watch the movie on a four second delay. It's not like it just came to you; you’re not super-perceptive (or if you are, see #1 above). If you've already seen it, just sit tight and let us have our own authentic experience.
A good way to keep from doing this is to get it out of your system before the show starts. Let everyone know how great you think the movie is with and that's why you're back to see it again. Now we all know how cool it must be to have extra time in the week. Jackass.
Also, if you've already seen the movie and now you're watching it with someone who hasn't, stay away from the "Oh, here it comes," or "Ahhh, this part's hilarious, grandma." We don't need a heads up for ensuing action - the surprise is part of the thrill. Let us experience the movie for ourselves.
3. Don't text during the movie.
I get it. You're doing your part to not disturb me with noise by typing out your conversation. But much like second-hand smoke, text messaging at the theater is the silent killer. You see, they dim the theater lights for a reason. It's so the bright lights emanating from the projector that are reflected from the screen will be the ocular focus. In other words, the entire setup is designed for us to concentrate on the screen, not the aisles or the hot girl four seats down – certainly not the phone in front of you. When you open your phone to text, I see a faint light and it creates a slight, yet powerful distraction. So be a sport and don't do that any more.
4. Stop asking so many questions.
Look, I get it – sometimes it's really hard to follow a story. Sometimes you can't quite make out what a character’s motive or you miss a line of dialogue. Go ahead, it’s okay to lean over and ask your friend what Hugh Grant just mumbled. But do it quietly; whisper. And be selective – don’t ruin the scene where Indiana has to choose the right chalice. Basically, try not to ruin a crucial part of the movie. You might distract the person who is following the story and then it's ruined for you and your friend, you selfish gasbag.
Also, notice I said “friend.” If you don't know the person next to you, let it go. Unless you're a hot girl and the guy next to you has math-as-a-first-language written all over him, pumping a stranger for plot points during a movie is a major no-no. It's impossible to explain what's going on in The Godfather: Part II during The Godfather: Part II. By the time I get you up to speed, we're both behind. But where your friends will perhaps dismiss the confusion as merely that (confusion), a random stranger will think you're a complete idiot. Yes, it was Fredo, now stop asking so many questions, you idiot.
5. Infants. Dear god, infants.
I have no problems with letting babies into the theater. They have as much right to be there as the next human being … until they start crying. When that happens it's time to take them outside. If you decide to forgo the babysitter on date night, realize you run the risk of a tired, cranky, possibly even scared child ready to cut loose and start screaming in a fit of irrational rage. It is your responsibility to forfeit the movie for the benefit of those around you. The greater good is at stake here. I know, life’s not fair. But when I purchased my tickets, you didn't hear the mistake I made pronouncing Paris, je t'aime, so why should I have to listen to yours? And honestly, with the price of tickets and concessions these days, you're probably be better off hiring a sitter. Plus, you really need to be at least 15 to really "get" Wes Anderson's dark, quirky humor. That said, when selecting a sitter, choose someone you know and trust. Or don’t – I really don’t care who is watching your kid as long as I can hear Hermione.
6. Turn off your cell phones and pagers.
They spend thousands of dollars producing pre-trailer spots that tell you this before the movie ever even starts. It's not subtle. Yet people still fail to silence their phones during a movie. Honestly? What, are you expecting that one phone call that’s going to change everything? Well guess what, it's not coming. You know why? Because you're the kind of person who leaves a cell phone on during a movie. Make better life-choices.
7. Don't make out in front of me. Do not make out in front of me.
I know. You're 15 and you're crazy in love with your 14 year-old girlfriend. First of all, you're not crazy in love. You're 15, you have a vast surplus of combustible hormones, and you found someone who will actually touch you. See the subtle difference? Here's how it works: Either sit in the very back (behind everyone else) of an un-crowded theater and fumble around or wait until it's over, then go behind the Little Caesars adjacent the cineplex and underperform there. But remember, you need to tell your parents that the movie is two hours long, not an hour and a half. Also, if you're over 16 with a valid drivers license and you’re making out in a theater, you're lazy. Either way, I hate you.
8. Applause. Not sure why but ... okay?
I guess it’s okay to give your approval to a film by clapping as the credits roll, but you know Hilary Swank can’t hear you, right? I mean, you’re not that dumb, are you? Oh, hold on – you waited in line all day to get a good seat for Snakes on a Plane? Then by all means, give it a hand before it starts; I’m sure it’s worthy. However, don't applaud something during the film. Other people may not connect on the same emotional level as you when the loser scores a date with the cute girl. I might be the only one cla- I mean, you might be the only one clapping. Then you'll have to add “feeling stupid” to “being pathetic.”
9. Pee before your movie starts.
I'm not gonna blame anyone for having to go to the restroom. Physiological processes can be unpredictable at best. But you can do yourself and others a favor by going one last time before the show starts. Put some effort into it. Maybe squeezing the bladder dry like it’s withholding clues about your deceased grandmother’s lost fortune is just what it'll take to make it all the way through Battleship. Nobody likes prolonging a full bladder, but do you really want to leave during a show? I mean, you're gonna disrupt your neighbors, plus you're forced to make the almost impossible decision of choosing what scene to miss during Mean Girls 2. Look, if you know you have a chronic bladder control issue, just sit on the aisle instead of getting up and walking in front of people for two hours.
10. Spread out if there's no crowd.
There's four people in here - why are you sitting right next to me? Are you a sociopath? Then don’t sit right next to me in an empty theater. It would be less creepy if you told me I have great skin for lampshades. At least then I wouldn't have to grapple with the possibility that you made an innocent faux pas. It’s just another in a long line of social norms. Learn them and adhere to them, Carl. Now move, but go somewhere in front of me where I can see you because I still think you might be a sociopath.
11. Gum.
There's nothing wrong with gum. I mean, I wouldn’t want to chew the same piece for two, two and a half hours, but whatever. Just keep it in your mouth and don't pop it or blow bubbles. If you can pop your gum really loud, you have a talent. A talent that should be displayed outside of a movie theater. Don't forget that.
Alright, so those are the guidelines you should follow. Learn and take them seriously. I’m not the only on who feels this way, I assure you. Being cool might just save you from shame some day. Roll credits.